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February 6, 2016

FOCUS TOPIC 
WHAT MAKES LOVE LAST?
HOW TO BUILD TRUST AND AVOID BETRAYRAL
 

YOUR TRUST METRIC

Instructions
For the following items, indicate the extent to which you agree or disagree with each
item by circling either:
          SD for Strongly Disagree
          D for Disagree
          N for Neither Agree or Disagree
          A for Agree
          SA for Strong Agree

Note: If you and your partner don’t live together or do not have children (separately or
together), answer questions about these topics based on how you THINK your partner
would react if you did.

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1. I feel protected by my partner. 
2. My partner is faithful to me. 
3. My partner is there for me financially.
4. Sometimes I feel uneasy around my partner. 
5. I don’t think my partner has intimate relationships with others. 
6. From now on, my partner would not have children with anyone but me. 
7. My partner fully loves our children and/or is at least respectful of my own children. 
8. I believe that you can trust most people. 
9. My partner helps me feel emotionally secure. 
10. I know my partner will always be very close friend. 
11. My partner will commit to help provide for our children. 
12. When the chips are down, I can count on my partner to sacrifice for me and our family.
13. My partner does housework. 
14. My partner will work hard to increase our financial security.
15. My partner doesn’t respect me. 
16. My partner makes me feel sexually desirable. 
17. My partner takes my feelings into account when making decisions. 
18. I know that my partner will take care of me when I’m sick. 
19. When we are not getting along, my partner will work with me on our relationship.
20. My partner is there for me emotionally. 
21. My partner does not overuse alcohol and drugs. 
22. My partner acts romantically toward me. 
23. My partner is kind to my family. 
24. I can rely on my partner to talk to me when I’m sad or angry. 
25. My partner belittles or humiliates me. 
26. There is at least one person who comes first to my partner rather than me. 
27. My partner will work with me as part of a financial unit. 
28. I have power and influence in this relationship. 
29. My partner shows others how much he or she cherishes me. 
30. My partner helps carry the load of child care. 
31. I just can’t trust my partner completely. 
32. My partner keeps his or her promises.
33. My partner is a moral person.
34. My partner does what he or she agrees to do. 
35. My partner will betray my confidences. 
36. My partner is affectionate toward me. 
37. In arguments I can trust my partner to really listen to me.
38. My partner shares in and honors my dreams. 
39. I fear my partner could stray.
40. My partner’s words and deeds reflect the values we say we agree on. 
41. My partner makes love to me often. 
42. I can count on my partner to build or maintain a sense of family and community with me. 

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SCORING:

STEP 1:
Score your answers to questions 4, 15, 25, 26, 31, 35, 39 using the following scale.

Then add them up:

Strongly Agree (SA): 1
Somewhat Agree (A): 2
Neither Agree nor Disagree (N): 3
Somewhat Disagree (D): 4
Strongly Disagree (SD): 5

Subtotal______________

STEP 2:
Score your answers to the remainder of the questions using this scale.
Then add them up:
Strongly Agree (SA): 5
Somewhat Agree (A): 4
Neither Agree nor Disagree (N): 3
Somewhat Disagree (D): 2
Strongly Disagree (SD): 1
Subtotal__________________

STEP 3: CALCULATE YOUR TRUST METRIC
Add your two subtotals to calculate your trust metric.
TOTAL__________________

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WHAT DOES MY SCORE MEAN?

SCORE: 0-52

 You have a low degree of trust in your partner and your relationship. Not all couples are meant to be together forever, but even matches that struggle with trust issues CAN work things out if both partners make a strong commitment to the process. Some soul searching is in order here: do you both have enough motivation to do this? If so, retake this quiz after you’ve finished reading this entire book and have put its advice into action. If your score remains low, seek more individualized help.

SCORE: 53-105

Your trust level is moderate. You have faith in your partner—but uncertainty as well. You can bolster your relationship by working on the exercises in this book. Although its best to work together, your relationship can still benefit if you make progress on your own. When one member of a couple becomes clearer about needs and desires, often the relationship comes into sharper focus for both of them, making positive changes easier. If your trust metric does not improve, its time to decide whether you’re both committed to making your relationship your top priority. If your metric is now higher, that’s a powerful sign that the more you continue to open up to each other, the happier and more fulfilling your relationship is likely to become.

SCORE: 106-210

You have a deep sense of trust in your partner. Such a sturdy foundation improves the likelihood that your relationship will remain happy over the long term. Still, if you scored in the bottom half of this particular range, it would be worthwhile to have honest conversations about your relationship. If your trust level is very high, this book can still benefit you. Consider reading it together as a romantic experience that will reaffirm just how in love you are---and also give you tools to help you stay that way.

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ATTUNEMENT MADE EASY:
THE ART OF INTIMATE CONVERSATION

1) PUT YOUR FEELINGS INTO WORDS.

 

 As positive emotions as “I feel…” (eg. amused, lucky, appreciated, joyful, silly etc.). A great strategy for pinpointing your emotions is to tune into your body as you consider different descriptions of your mood. Distinguished psychologist and philosopher Dr. Eugene Gendlin uses an approach he calls FOCUSING. When your body relaxes with the word/ emotion you’ve probably hit the correct description.

2) ASK OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS.

Avoid yes or no questions with your partner, which kill conversations before they start. Pose questions that require a deeper response. (eg. REPLACE- “Did you like the movie?” with “What did you think of the movie?” and other significant issues as “Are you upset?” can close off discussion so REPLACING it with- “You seem upset- what’s going on?” will encourage a healthy discussion).

3) FOLLOW UP WITH STATEMENTS THAT DEEPEN CONNECTION

After your partner answers question, respond by saying what you’ve heard in your own words and reflect back your partner’s thoughts and feelings in an understanding manner; this will encourage them to open up more.

4) EXPRESS COMPASSION & EMPATHY

When your partner is upset, whether for trivial or significant issue, be on his or her team. The best role is to let the person you love know that you’re standing with him or her. Understanding must precede advice. It’s best not to give advice AT ALL unless asked. Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution.

In conclusion, open up about your own feelings, converse in a style that encourages confidences, and be an ally more than a problem solver. Follow this method in your daily interactions and you’ll be amazed by how much you discover about each other. Along with enriching your relationship, learning this approach will improve your skills at turning toward each other during sliding door moments. As a result, you’ll prevent a lot of disagreements from even starting.

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REFERENCE:
WHAT MAKES LOVE LAST? By Dr. John Gottman, PHD
How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal

SECRETS FROM THE LOVE LAB

VIDEOS ON WHAT MAKES LOVE LAST?

By Dr. Gottman

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Inspiring Quote of the Day

“The truth of this path of the HEART and path of LOVE is that there is no path. There is ONLY THE HEART….ONLY THE LOVE…that consumes the LOVER who becomes the BELOVED. Love is a state of being and not a trip from here to there. It is only LOVE---wherever you are. The more open you are, the more you can receive this INFINITE LOVE. It’s the beginning, the middle, and the end.”

 ~Ram Dass: Be Love Now!

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